Like many, I grew up in a Christian household.  I don't remember much of church when I was young, other than attending Sunday school.  I learnt that there was a God, I learnt that Jesus was my saviour, but I never actually had a personal experience of all that it meant. 

I considered myself normal, good, sometimes prone to lapses in concentration, average in temperament, a church-goer.   Life for me was one of being accepted, popular, excelling in sport and academia.  Though I knew about the Christian life, it never ran at the forefront of my thoughts.  Rather, and most oftenly so, it was one of the last thoughts running through my mind.  For me, being Christian was a measure of how I should behave, how I should think, the things that I should do.  Rarely did I ever match up to that standard.  Life presented many challenges, and with it many personal growth experiences, however I never felt that personal connection with God.  Growing up in an AOG church, I often looked at others, seeing how closely they followed Him, and wondered why I didn't feel Him in the same way.  I felt like a spectator rather than a player, like I was sitting on the bench rather than being on the starting lineup.  People would be so free to lift their hands, sing, dance and jump for joy, but I never understood nor felt that personal connection.  People would roll on the floor, cry, sing, laugh, but I never felt nor experienced what was going on.  Not to say that I wasn't happy where I was, quite the opposite – I was extremely content with who I was, where I was in life, and the role God played in it.

Life continued as normal.  I was successful, well provided for, happy.  All the Christians I knew were well-respected, smart, popular and charismatic.  Being "Christian" seemed easy.  University seemed a blast.  One day, my life had entered turbulent waters.  It was a long drawn out process, and it involved both a messy and difficult relationship breakup along with difficulties with my academic life.  Though it disheartened me, it never left me depressed.  After a period of time, I had begun to attend a youth group to connect with Christians of my age, something I hadn't had since Sunday school.  Over time, God's hand carefully crafted areas of my life into the weapon He wanted to use.  I could actually see the difference that God was making in my life, changing me for the better. But the work was nowhere near done.

One evening at an Oxygen central, the meeting was drawing to a close.  Everyone in the room was quiet, focused on God, yearning to listen to His still and small voice.  All of a sudden I felt that I had to open my eyes and look around.  It was as though I had just been tapped on the shoulder.  Wondering what was running through my mind, I took a look at the sea of heads bowed around me.  It was then a small voice came to me.

Look at these of mine.  I know your heart, I know your needs, because I'm your Father in heaven.  I know you've been wondering where I am in your life, but you don't have to search for me, I've already found you.  Do you see your brothers and sisters around you?  Where you send them they will go, where you lead them, they will follow.  I will send you out to lead my soldiers into war, because I've chosen you for this task.  Will you follow me?

I'd led the good Christian life, slowly developing into a more mature Christian, but this was the first time I had actually experienced God's clear voice in my life.  It almost seemed like a silly questions – will I follow Him?  At first I tried to rationalise it, were they merely my own thoughts?  Was I simply thinking out aloud?  No explanation I could manufacture seemed satisfactory, because in my heart and my spirit I knew that God had spoken to me.  I couldn't explain how I knew, but I felt a peace within my spirit knowing that it was the real deal. 

Things began to snowball, as I watched God take my life, shove it into the furnace and without respite beat it into what He wanted.  I could see for the first time God's obvious hand working throughout my life.  Coming to the end of my university degree, I did not have a myriad of job offers lined up as some of my friends did.  Though by right I should have been a nervous wreck, the truth is that I wasn't even worried about it, because I believed that God would open up the perfect opportunity that He wanted me to take.  I eventually found a place in a Christian law firm, and I saw God's fingerprints all over it.  I saw that it wasn't through my own strength that got me the job, but rather it was a gift from God, calling that I be a steward of the position that He had granted me.  Once I realised that, giving my time, my finances and efforts to God seemed easy, because I understood that none of it belonged to me in the first place, and I was simply giving God a share of what already belonged to Him.

One day in church, I heard the Holy Spirit ministering to me, calling me and guiding me.  The pastor was calling those who wanted the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Previously, I had shunned away any thought of such an activity, being scared that if I did it, I'd turn into a madman, that I'd be one of those people rolling on the floor, that I'd cast everything I had aside and run off to Africa to minister to the poor.  It was the fear of not knowing what was going on, almost a suspicion, that had prevented me from wanting anything to do with the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  But this time was different.  God showed me the people whom I was to lead, to guide, to serve.  I knew I couldn't do it in my own strength, that I needed something more, something bigger, something more powerful.  It was clear to me – I needed the Holy Spirit front right and centre in my life, to remove fear and doubt, to make me bold and strong.  Even then, I reasoned with myself – God was ALREADY in my life, I ALREADY had the Holy Spirit, why do I need this gift?  But none of the arguments that previously had made me apprehensive held sway, as it became clearer to me that I had a burning desire to see the Holy Spirit move more powerfully in my life.  I thought "Ok God, if you want this for me, then call me out."  Never play chicken with God, because He'll always call your bluff. 

Responding to the pastor, I walked out as they laid hands on me and prayed that I be baptised in the Holy Spirit.  Throughout the entire time, the desire in my heart began to rise higher and higher – Holy Spirit, I want you now at the forefront of my life, I know I can't accomplish the things God has set out in my life, I really need you to be with me every step of the way.  Slowly, I could feel a white burning throughout my body.  My temperature was rising, yet it felt cool at the same time, like a white light burning inside me.  I felt the utterances and quivering coming from inside me and I began to shiver.  My lower jaw felt like it was going into a fit.  I thought of asking myself "what on earth is going on?" yet I knew the answer already.  I could hear a rush of wind as crisp as the burning light inside of me.  Little by little, bit by bit, I could feel the Holy Spirit's utterances as I began to voice them.  Tongues started to flow, softly, quietly, I felt afresh, renewed, revived, alive!  As the meeting ended, I continued where I was, softly concentrating on God.  Life instantly changed.

I had a new boldness.  Up to that day, I knew that though I had come a long way since my primary school days, there were still areas of struggle in my life.  After that day, shaking off those struggles and difficulties seemed easy, it felt as though they had no control over me.  Habits that previously seemed so difficult to avoid were easily disposed of.  I read the bible and could say amen to it aloud, because for the first time it seemed so real and alive to me, rather than simply a history book, or a code of conduct as to how I should live my life.  Verses such as the passages where Jesus has called us His best friend were filled with such joy and love that I had previously, understood, but never became excited over.  Reaching out to people in need was something I wanted to do rather than being something that I felt I had to do in order to satisfy the definition of "being Christian".  My heart broke for the things that broke God's heart.  I became more involved in church activities and outreaches, not because I felt like I was a better Christian, but because I loved God so much that I couldn't help but want to serve Him!  Even my personal prayer life was different.  I always prayed with complete understanding of what I was saying, what I wanted, but now I began praying for things that I didn't understand, for yearnings and groaning of the spirit that my mind did not comprehend through the gift of tongues.  There was no way to really describe it – the power of the Holy Spirit had embolded and strengthened my life. 

I asked myself the question – was it just pure adrenaline and emotion?  God had called us to make decisions with our mind, heart soul and strength, but was what I was going through some euphoria?  The question had been posed often by friends around me.  For me the answer seemed obvious – sure it's important to maintain perspective, to intellectually understand God's word and His promises, but it's equally important to be broken before Him, and if nothing else, it's because of this reason – emotion drives us to believe that which seems intellectually impossible to us seem possible; emotion enables us to make decisions with power and conviction and motivation rather than simply sitting back and thinking of all the pros and cons; emotions breaks down the barriers we put in our lives in some effort to impose self-control over our future.  That which previously seemed to me like impossible nonsense had become clear reality.  God now seemed like a person at the foot of my bed, the person with His hand on my shoulder, the person who walked with me as I walked with Him, rather than a person who peered into my life through a window, who shouted encouragement and direction through a slit in the window pane. 

It was a lot to chew on.  I'll leave you with this.  I was walking though Flagstaff gardens during my usual stroll to work.  It was the winter period.  Now I'm not a gifted science student, so you'll have to excuse my complete and utter ignorance, but I stared at those bare trees and began thinking: why is it that they have no leaves or fruit?  They have plenty of water, the sun is out and shining, it's 24 degrees, it was a beautiful time to be alive, to bear fruit, to produce!  Their trunks are straight, strong and upright, they have all the resources they need to bear fruit, but why are they barren?  As I pondered upon this, the Holy Spirit spoke softly to me.

Why aren't they bearing any fruit?  Sure they have the water, the light, the temperature, they have all the right resources to grow and bear fruit.  I know you look at these trees and wonder why they aren't productive, why they aren't successful, but it's because it's not their season!  If they bear their fruit now, their produce will shrivel up and die as quickly as they had grown!  Make no mistake, they WILL produce fruit, but only in the right season, and I will bring them into that season.  As surely as there is a spring that follows the barren winter, so I tell you this – that no matter how it seems that your life, or anyone else's life, seems to be bearing no fruit even though all the right inputs and resources are there, it WILL in my timing!  So don't ever think that I've left you alone, or that I've forgotten about you!  Though you may be barren, though you may be struggling to come to grips with why you aren't producing fruit when you think you should, believing that you have no excuse not to be currently fruitful with the resources plugged into your life, don't worry!  I'm gonna bring you into a season in your life where you'll bear fruit, and that fruit won't shrivel and die after all the hard work that you've put into producing because it was in the wrong season!  I'm gonna bring you into a new and fruitful season, where your fruit will last forever and ever!